The Mild Frustrations of Pregnancy in First-World Countries

Who knew that so much was required for pregnancy until places like America and things like medical science came along?

I sure didn't.

For instance, once when I was a kid, living in Africa, one of my dad's Bible college students came rushing to our door one afternoon. "Take my wife to the hospital! She's having her baby!" (We owned one of two cars on the college compound, so we got a lot of similar requests.) My dad pulled out the tarp, spread it on the backseat, and drove them off. The hospital was approximately a six-minute drive from our house. On her way up the hospital steps, the lady suddenly wailed, and BOOM. A baby fell out of her skirt onto the steps. The nurse came down, dusted the baby off, and handed it to the mother. Another successful delivery.

Do you think she had to have glucose testing between weeks 24 and 27?

Nah, neither did I.

But I had to. I saw my doctor two weeks ago, and she told me I was due for my glucose testing. My what? Nobody told me pregnancy involved this. What exactly is glucose testing? Apparently, it measures your blood sugar nonsense to make sure pregnancy isn't making you diabetic. Because diabetes is really something that flies under the radar. Not like I'd notice that.

I'm sorry, is this optional? I asked. I got a massive slap on the wrist. NO. THIS IS ABSOLUTELY MANDATORY. EVERY PREGNANT WOMAN MUST TAKE THIS TEST. YOUR BABY WILL NOT COME OUT OF YOUR BODY PROPERLY UNLESS! Those doctors, they can be scary.

I was told I had to take it -- no alternative -- on Monday, September 19. So I went home and researched it. Between 24 and 27 weeks, the internets said. So since I had an important meeting on Monday, I scheduled it for Thursday. Showed up on Thursday to be told I needed to have fasted for eight hours prior to the test. Neither the doctor, the nurse, or the internets told me any of this.

So I took my glucose test today.

Let's go over something here. My test was first thing in the morning, 9am. But fasting before that meant no breakfast for Tiny or me. I don't know how much you know about pregnancy, but it makes people hungry. I used to be able to skip meals, especially breakfast, no problem. Not these days.

So Eric ate breakfast, and I sat across from him, drinking ice water out of a coffee mug to try to make it feel more substantial.

So my flavor was lemon-lime, which looks vastly
superior to this orange stuff. This was from the internets.

This test is no joke. First, they draw your blood. Then, you drink this glucose-drink that tastes like corn syrup, it's so sweet. Then you sit for an hour. No water, no food, no walking around, and don't leave the building, either. The waiting room was full of screaming Mexican babies and hicks waiting to take drug tests and fishing in their bras because they lost their iphone in there somewhere. It was also freezing. So I sat on the floor in the hallway. Then they draw your blood again. Then you sit for another hour. Then they draw your blood a third time.

That is, if they can find any veins that will surrender blood after twelve hours of not eating and three hours of not drinking anything but glucose-sugar syrup. So they stick you full of needles till your veins are all, I give up! Take all the bloods!

This is what your veins feel like.

Then you get to go home, where you eat a bagel loaded with cream cheese faster than you knew you could eat and you lie on the couch consuming gatorade, then you fall asleep because your body is so confused and hungry and dehydrated and weak.

Then you spend the rest of the day feeling asleep and out of it. And the 12 year old you nanny starts crying because she doesn't remember how to "round to the second decimal place" and she got a B on her last math test and it's five o'clock and she'll never finish all this math homework.

Okay, so that last one doesn't necessarily go along with the glucose testing.

But it felt like it. 

Long live science.