Unsolicited Advice Part 2: For the Mom. To the Hospital Tips.

For the second day of unsolicited advice, I'd like to share our hospital experience with you, along with some tips. 

I realize that this post will be relevant only to a very small number of people. That is, expectant moms. And among those, some of these tips might not necessarily apply, either, based on your delivery plans.

But this is what worked for us. I'm rather organized and OCD as it is, and Emma was late, and I had nesting syndrome like a crazy person, so I made lists and lists and lists and lists. 

How I wish I had saved those, because all this I had to remember from my mind.

However. One very important list was our To the Hospital list.

((A note: we went to the hospital. I realize that if you are going to a midwife or a birthing center or having a home birth, this probably won't apply to you in much detail.))

I had a section for food; a section for clothing, subdivided into sections for Wendy, Eric's and baby clothing; a section for paperwork; a section for labor; a section for toiletries; a section for post-labor; and a section for coming home.

Yes, I did.

So here goes, along with tips and suggestions I learned from our actual experience.

Food

Our hospital does not allow laboring women to eat or drink. You can have ice chips, and that's that. However, after reading this book, and many other birth stories where women said that food helped them have the energy to push once it was time, I looked at the hospital policies, and was all, screw that. I'm going to bring food -- subtle food -- and just eat when the nurse isn't there. 

In actuality, my labor was too short (and in the middle of the night, when most people don't eat anyway) and intense for me to even think about eating. But I'm sure going to bring it next time, anyway. The nurse was in and out and gone most of the time, and it would have been the easiest thing in the world to bypass that policy. Plus, once Emma arrived, I had nice things to eat that weren't hospital food. I also made Eric bring me an eggnog latte, because I had just pushed his child into the world. And then later I made him bring me Chipotle. Then I picked out all the beans from my burrito so they wouldn't give Emma gas.

Anyway.

I brought: granola bars, cashews, bananas, applesauce, and other small, snacky things that would provide protein or sugar-energy. I also brought gatorade because I didn't want to become dehydrated. You want to avoid difficult-to-digest things in labor, generally, because many women experience nausea and a good percentage of those spend quite a while throwing up. I didn't, but it's a good policy to eat only things that are easy to throw up, as weird as that sounds. Think: mild juice, broth, etc. I also brought Starbucks Via instant coffee packets, for Eric. If I had a long labor, I wanted him to be able to get a boost of caffeine without having to drink hospital crap. Note: bring GUM. When my mom was in labor with my brother, my dad had coffee breath, and she had to tell him to go away and brush his teeth, because his breath was making her want to throw up. 

Also. Bring a water bottle. You will be so so thirsty after labor, and the hospital may give you an awesome cup with a straw like everyone told me they would, or they may not, like our hospital actually ended up doing. And those two-ounce cups that the hospital does have will not hold enough water, especially since you're trying to start breastfeeding (if you are), and your nurse won't like you if you make her get you water every four minutes.

I packed all the food in a separate paper bag. I generally packed each category separately, because that made it easier for me to direct Eric to things.

Clothing

Here's a tip I didn't take seriously: don't wear even relatively nice underwear to the hospital. I'll leave it at that.

Ahem.

For the mom, you'll obviously want to wear something very comfortable, and bring only comfortable things for after labor and delivery. Make sure some of those things are presentable, though, for guests. I didn't bother to bring a robe or anything, because I didn't want to bother with the hassle of packing it and cluttering up our room. I did bring a few big cardigans, as well as fluffy socks and slippers, because hospitals are always cold.

Dad can wear whatever. Bring a change of clothes, especially underclothes and socks, in case labor is long, or you're there for a while and he's unable for whatever reason to go home.

For the baby, you need a going home outfit. I also brought warm things, in case it was cold overnight and the nurses gave me judgey-eyes for letting the baby get cold. Hat, mittens, socks, pants, onesie. That's all. Also a blanket. I didn't do this, but if you sleep with the blanket for a few nights, it will smell like you. That way, if the baby needs to be separated from you for any reason, no matter how long, you can send along the blanket. Babies, especially newborns, have a very acute sense of smell, and are already familiar with the smell of their mother. It's crazy.

Paperwork

Whatever paperwork your hospital or Doctor suggests. Insurance information and photo ID, obviously. 

Labor

Put all these things in a separate bag or compartment within a bag, so your husband can easily find them. Trust me, you won't want to be giving instructions on where to find things when contractions are ripping into you. 

Mouthwash, because many women throw up during labor. Also nice washcloths, to wipe your face or mouth off. The hospital has that stuff, but what if you throw up, and it takes a while for the nurse to get there? Also, their stuff feels cheap, and it's nice to have something from home.

Chapstick, because you will be panting and everything up in your mouth will feel dry. You might be too busy to put it on while you're actually laboring (I was), but you'll sure want it once you're done.

A back massager (or a tennis ball in a clean sock). I had pretty bad back labor, and suspected that I would early on. In case you don't know, back labor sucks. Typically, during birth, a baby is positioned upside down, with their face towards the mother's spine. Back labor occurs when the face is pointed away from the spine. This hurts intensely because of the pressure from the baby's skull pressing against your spinal column. The only thing that really helps is to get on all fours, and have someone push their palm firmly down and up on the very base of your spine, directly above your hips. Practice this at home with your husband. Seriously. We did this a lot. As in, for almost five hours. I didn't actually want the massager during labor -- I only wanted Eric's hand -- but some women in labor don't like to be touched, or are too warm to be touched, so I wanted this option.

I also brought magazines and a book, but had absolutely no interest in those. Might be nice for a longer labor, when your contractions aren't super intense at first, but mine were only one or two minutes apart the whole time. I had even saved the last two J.Crew catalogues, too. Movies, if you think that will relax you. Music is great, but I didn't want any. Eric brought his laptop, so I could have had it if I wanted it. The laptop is a good idea, too, in case you want to skype with people who can't pay you a visit. We did all that once we got home, though.

Toiletries

The obvious, like shampoo, conditioner, soap, deodorant, toothpaste, toothbrush. For your husband, too, in case he can't go home. Once Emma was born, I could not wait to shower. The nurses were all, well, you should rest a while, and wait till you can walk and stand a bit better, and I was all, woman, I will run laps if you will let me wash off. That shower felt so good.

Do this, though: bring nice things. It may feel silly to pack really nice stuff, but it will totally be worth it. Back in the day, before I was married and had a married-person, grad-school-wife budget, I used expensive shampoo and conditioner. When we actually had to pay rent and stuff, I switched to a cheaper brand, but saved whatever I had on hand of the nice stuff to use for special occasions or as a treat. I brought that to the hospital, along with nice soap and this amazing hand lotion and foot creme, which was a Christmas gift from my incredible mother-in-law.

Here's why: after birth, your body will feel so so weird. You've gotten used to having a huge, firm belly, and suddenly it's gone and it feels so soft, but unfortunately baggy. Your body is beginning the process of slowly easing back to normal, and all sorts of postpartum hormones, instead of the classy pregnancy hormones, are beginning to rush through your body. If the pregnant body is a weird weird animal, so is the postpartum one, just a totally different kind of weird. 

Spoil yourself with nice toiletries for a while after birth. Use fancypants soap and hand lotion. Get someone to give you a foot massage. Many moms get pedicures and manicures the week before their baby is due. I don't get that. Get one the week after the baby comes, when you're exhausted and need badly to relax. 

We actually went to get massages for Valentine's Day, when Emma was a month and a half old, and it was the best decision we made in her newborn days. We got to be out of the house and away from Emma, but were only gone an hour and a half. And being sleep-deprived made it so nice to get a massage. So do this: ask for a gift card to Massage Envy or someplace for a new baby gift from someone. Don't be shy about it.

Post-Labor

So I was really really terrified about having a postpartum body.

You read all these books and things that are trying to prepare you for what will happen to your body after labor and delivery, and you read things like "you will have a flow for up to six weeks" and "don't be surprised if your entire lower region is traumatized for several weeks" and "many women have difficulty going to the bathroom for several days" and you're like WHAT IS GOING TO HAPPEN TO MY BODY GAHHHHHHH.

And I'm here to tell you: yes, it's weird, but it's NOT THAT BAD. I was completely pleasantly surprised at how good I felt after Emma was born. Of course it takes a while to feel completely yourself again, but with the right tools, it doesn't have to be difficult. Of the 30-some pounds that I gained while pregnant, I lost 20 within the first two days. That felt good, let me tell you.

So here's the thing: I didn't bring any of these to the hospital. These are all things that the hospital supposedly auspiciously gives you. The nurse took me into the little bathroom, and was all, this is for this, and this is for this, and this will help with this, and all I could say was, "it's going to hurt like the dickens to poop, isn't it?" But I was high on having just had a baby, and was thrilled to receive all these special pain-relieving toys, and used them all, and took them home, and then we got the bill from the hospital and were like are you serious they charged us eight dollars for pain killing spray and two dollars for every tylenol I took? 

And they do. Because they're a hospital and they're broke.

So here's my advice: bring it yourself. It will cost you a quarter of the price. And if you feel weird about buying witch-hazel pads at the grocery store, send your husband for some when you're 39 weeks preg and he's not able to say no to you for anything. Or just buy them on amazon.

So here's what helps:

They will give you mesh underwear (not pictured). Use them. I don't know where you would buy them, and you probably wouldn't want to, anyway. But use them. They're incredibly comfortable, and you can just throw them away without feeling guilty, unlike your own underwear.

Witch hazel pads. If you don't know, they help with hemorrhoids. If you don't know what that is (I didn't, until I read about them in a preg book), look it up yourself. No way I'm putting that definition on this here blog. But be encouraged! I did NOT get hemorrhoids. Most ladies do, though, so I felt super lucky. I took the witch hazel pads from the hospital, though, because the nurse was all, even if you don't have, it will feel nice to sit on, and I was all, my butt wants something nice to sit on. So I used one and we were charged $8. No joke.

Dermoplast pain-relieving spray. This was the best thing I took away from the hospital. Besides Emma. Duh. Looking it up on amazon now, it's actually more expensive than I thought it would be, but it's totally worth it. Spray that thing up in your junk every time you go to the bathroom, and your life will be so much better. Sorry if that sounded crude just now. I used it for like four weeks after coming home.

Peri-bottle. It might be easier to get this from the hospital, but you know. Here's the link anyway. This may sound gross. But here're the facts: after you push a baby out, you don't want anything touching anywhere near your lady parts. But you do have to go to the bathroom (see bring a water bottle, above), and you don't want to get an infection or whatever since you don't want to wipe. And you DON'T want to wipe. So this is what you do, especially if you have an epidural. (Heaven help you. I had one. And it's not as horrible as I thought it would be.) 1. Do your business. 2. Spray from your peri-bottle. 3. Pat dry. 4. Spray Dermoplast. 5. Fill underwear with maxi-pad and witch hazel pad, if using. 6. Go cuddle baby.

Pads. I figure you don't need a link for maxi-pads, since if you're having a baby, surely you already know your stuff. Get a bag of the super duper big ones. Trust me. The hospital will likely give you a few that are roughly the size of pillows -- use them for the first day or two. Then use the super duper ones you bought for a week or so. Then whatever normal ones you use. At least, that's what I did, and it worked great. (Also, turns out, "six weeks of flow" was an exaggeration in my case. Be encouraged!)

Tylenol. Just like when you're preg, you can't have advil or any painkillers but tylenol, if you're breastfeeding. And the hospital may give you a stronger painkiller, in which case, take whatever they give you, but our hospital only gave me super strength tylenol, which they charged me for like it was vicodin. So bring your own.

And, finally. Dulcolax. Or something comparable. Think of it this way: you've done all the pushing you need to for a while. Take a break, hey?

Also. Bring your own pillows. For the sake of all that is good and comfortable in the world, you will want some well-earned rest. And no one can or should have to rest on those things the hospital passes off as pillows. I brought two for myself, one for Eric, and my down blanket. Sure, we looked funny going into the hospital like we were moving in. But it was worth it. And they don't really take up room in the hospital, because you're on them. 

You can also bring a nursing pillow, if you want. I did, but didn't really use it too much, since Emma was so tiny.

Going Home

It's simple, really. Everything you've brought. 

And your carseat.

BONUS TIP! FOR THOSE WHO MADE IT THIS FAR!

And it's likely most people did NOT read this far, especially considering the section titled "Post-Labor"

Bring somethin somethin for the nurses.

Emma was born the week after Christmas, so in the midst of Christmas goodie making, I made extra fudge and toffee and set it aside for the nurses. 

Seriously.

Bring them something sweet to eat. 

Here's why:

We kept getting moved to nicer hospital rooms. 

There were like 20 some ladies who delivered the night/day I did, and most of them ended up having to share rooms. Not us. I delivered in one room, then they moved us to a double room to recover for a few hours, and told us that they would likely put someone else in the other bed in a few hours. Then I gave our nurse the goodies, and told her either to take them home herself, or put them in the nurses' station to share. We got moved to a giant nice private room, where we stayed for the rest of the time. It was also farther away from the nurses' station, which meant it was quieter. 

Also, they're taking care of your newborn. Butter them up a little.

Plus, they probably deserve it.